Letting Her Pay
Kate Maurer

All right, maybe not getting that promotion and having your car break down didn't make your week, but having that fine lady you met online ask you to dinner almost made up for it. You've had a lovely evening at the place she suggested, the check's on the table, she ordered the bottle of wine, and you're squirming. Now both of you have excused yourselves to go to the restrooms at the same time and your waiter is snarling and scanning the parking lot for your cheap butts. Are you supposed to get the check? Even though she asked you out? Are you being a jerk? Does she think you're a jerk? Some traditional types still have a hangover from the days when a man was expected to pick up the tab. But most singles agree that there are times when the woman needs to step up and pay for the meal/tickets/shoe rental/etc.

For example:

She should pick up the tab if:

She asks you out and suggests the place.

You paid for the first date and she made a clear offer to "get it next time."

She suggested going out to celebrate your birthday, her promotion, etc.

She knew you were having financial problems when she asked you to go out.

Her friends join you (and have numerous drinks with umbrellas).

She offers to make dinner at her place and orders pizza.

Her dog ate your briefcase on your last date and no compensation was offered.

She should at least offer to split it if:

She asks you out but lets you pick the place.

You ask her out, ask her to pick the place, and she suggests something pricey.

She orders something expensive (wine, additional course, etc.).

Once you're an item, most agree that taking turns is fair, unless there are significant differences in your cash flows, then you should negotiate. Maybe she can cover your cheese fries and you can buy the theater tickets, or vice versa. Another thing: If your date offers to pay and you gallantly refuse, don't expect her to wrestle you to the ground for it. A classy lady knows how to gracefully accept generosity.

If you've hit it off with someone who doesn't share your ideas about 21st century courtesy, there is more than one possible explanation. She might be misinterpreting your signals. She might be broke and falling back on tradition to avoid the issue. If you're pretty sure these aren't it, then she may the traditional type who's not expecting to open her purse to do anything besides touch up her lipstick. If that's not something you can live with, try broaching the subject indirectly, "So would you say you're the old-fashioned type?"

So, by the time you get back from the men's room, your enchanting date has her credit card out on the table. Politely you ask, "Did you want to split this?" "Nah," she says, "save your money for that transmission. You can get it next time." You thank her. You're looking forward to next time. You get back to the conversation. This article as been bought to Mens-Network in association with Match.com